Be honest...

Am I too much? 

You never know what you will see or who you will encounter in the streets of New York City. 

On a random Friday night, on our way back from dinner, I decided I needed a nice long detour before returning home. My friend, who I went to dinner with and who also happens to be my roommate, agreed. It was the perfect New York City Friday night. It was September, meaning the weather was just right. At the start of our walk, we were stopped in the middle of the crosswalk by a guy, Larry, and his two friends. After exchanging our astrological signs, the five of us began walking together, taking an even longer detour. 

Larry, the leader of the group and the person I had been talking to, analyzed what seemed to be my entire life and the person I thought I had outgrown in a matter of minutes. But how could a stranger, after only knowing me for thirty minutes, say the exact things I was scared to admit to myself? 

Larry said I was better off alone because I didn't know how to accept being loved by someone else. He said I would be perfect by myself because when someone came into the picture, I would scare and chase them away because, essentially, I was too much. 

Little did he know, that was one of my biggest fears. I am always scared that I will push others away because they can't handle everything that I am. Because the truth is, I do think I am too much. I know I carry a lot of baggage because of the way I was brought up. To cope and try to grow as a person, I wrote a whole memoir about my past. Furthermore, I spent an entire summer trying to understand myself, grow, and leave behind my toxic tendencies. How had nothing changed? 

According to Larry, I was the same person I was before summer vacation. Was I not capable of change and love? My best friend, who knows me well, said I had toxic tendencies such as being too nonchalant and, above all else, never talking about myself. In her words, it showed that I didn't care and I wasn't trying hard enough. 

But that's the thing… I did try. I tried to be the perfect person and not share any of my struggles because I didn't want my problems and burdens to become the other person's issues. I have come to realize that I love others in the way that I want to be loved and in the way that I think they want me to show them love, but not particularly the way they want and need it. That's a big difference. 

But, why did it take Larry, a random person who I will never see or talk to again, actually to make me realize it? It's not like I didn't know before, but now I didn't have a choice but to be faced with it because a stranger was telling it straight to my face. I know I am difficult, especially when it comes to opening up to others and love - though I'm still not quite sure what that word means.

Maybe Larry was right. Perhaps I was better off on my own because, like my friend mentioned, if I had the option not to do something, I wouldn't, especially when it comes to liking someone else. She's right, of course. I don't like putting my heart on the line because of past events. It was a way for me to protect myself. Regardless of how I feel about someone, most often than not, I will not tell them or show it much. I will show it in my terms, meaning constant fake arguments, random gift giving, to show that I was thinking of them during random times, words of affirmation, or simply being there. But, when it comes to opening it up, I can't. At least not right away. I need patience, and not everyone is willing to wait. 

Maybe Larry is right. Then again, maybe he's not. I should not let a random person tell me whether or not I am capable of change. Though my progress is slow, I know I have grown a lot in the past three months. 

That's the thing about New York. You never know when you will be faced with a wake-up call. Even if it means having a conversation with a random man at one in the morning, who's slowly coming down from shrooms. 

What changes have you noticed in yourself lately? Share your accomplishment!! Comment below or tag/use our hashtag on social media to let us know and be part of the community! #andthewords #andthewordsfromabrokengirl 

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